7 Tips on Surviving the Holidays in a Dysfunctional Family

If you grew up in a dysfunctional or emotionally immature family, the holidays can feel more like survival mode than “the most wonderful time of the year.” You might find yourself slipping back into old roles, feeling small, invisible, or responsible for everyone else’s emotions. This guide offers practical tools to help you stay grounded and protect your peace. I’ve also added some prompts to help you as you work through this.

1. Set Clear Boundaries

Practice saying “no” and setting limits, even if it feels wrong or selfish at first. That discomfort often comes from younger parts of you that learned boundaries would lead to rejection, conflict, or guilt. Over time, you can create a new relationship with boundaries that says, “My needs matter too,” instead of abandoning yourself to keep the peace.

Ask yourself:

1. “One boundary I will try this year is: ________.”

1. “When guilt shows up, I will remind myself: ________ (e.g., ‘I’m allowed to take care of myself’).”

2. Stay in Tune With Your Body

Adult daughters of dysfunctional families often learned to scan the room for others’ moods instead of checking in with their own bodies. Your body, though, is constantly sending you information about safety, overwhelm, and needs. Throughout the day, gently notice sensations—tight chest, clenched jaw, knots in your stomach—and with curiosity (not criticism) ask: “What could this mean?” “What might this sensation be trying to protect me from?”

Tune in:

1. “Right now, in my body I notice: ________.”

1. “This might be telling me I need: ________ (space, support, food, rest, reassurance).”

3. Take Time Away

If you catch yourself getting flooded, irritable, numb, or on the verge of tears, that is your nervous system saying, “This is too much.” Give yourself permission to step away before you explode or completely shut down. You might:

1. Go for a brief walk outside.

1. Step into the bathroom to breathe, splash cold water on your face, or do a grounding exercise.

1. Bring coloring pages, a journal, or headphones and listen to calming music or a podcast.

Plan:

1. “My 5–10 minute break ideas are: ________, ________, ________.”

4. Soothe With Something Soft (or a Pet)

When you grew up in chaos, your body may still be braced for impact, especially around family. Petting a furry friend can be deeply regulating; it gives your hands and nervous system something soothing to focus on. If a pet is not available, try a soft blanket, stuffed animal, or textured object that feels comforting to the touch. Giving your body simple, gentle input can remind your system that in this moment, you are safe enough.

Think:

1. “When I feel overwhelmed, I can reach for: ________ (pet, blanket, pillow, stuffed animal).”

5. Find a Buddy

You do not have to walk back into old family dynamics alone. Choose a “holiday buddy” who knows a bit about your story and can support you—this might be a partner, a sibling, a cousin, a trusted friend you bring with you, or someone you text during breaks. Knowing there is at least one person who sees the real you can make it easier not to slip fully into the old “good girl,” “peacemaker,” or “problem” role.

1. “My support person for this holiday will be: ________.”

1. “I will ask them to: ________ (check in by text, step outside with me, give me a look when I seem overwhelmed).”

6. Lower Your Expectations

Many adult children secretly hope, “Maybe this year they’ll finally get it, apologize, or treat me differently.” Holding on to that hope can keep you stuck in cycles of disappointment and self‑blame. It is okay to grieve that your parent or family member may never become who you needed them to be. Accepting their limitations does not mean what happened was okay; it means you stop waiting for them to change before you allow yourself to feel calmer and more free.

Reframe:

1. “The person I keep hoping will change is: ________.”

1. “A more realistic expectation I can hold is: ________.”

1. “One way I can comfort myself around this is: ________ (e.g., ‘It’s sad and real; I can still build the life I want’).”

7. Create an Exit Strategy

You are allowed to leave situations that are harming your mental health, even if others do not understand. Decide in advance:

1. How long you want to stay.

1. What signs will tell you it is time to go (shaking, going numb, wanting to scream, feeling like a child again).

1. The simple phrase you will use when you are ready to leave.

1. Planning before you are highly dysregulated helps you act from your wise, adult self instead of from panic or shutdown, which can leave you feeling more confident and proud of how you handled things.

Plan Ahead:

1. “My time limit for this event is: ________.”

1. “Signs it is time to leave: ________.”

1. “The phrase I’ll use if I need to go is: ‘________.’”

Conclusion

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, needing space, boundaries, and backup plans does not make you “too sensitive” or “the difficult one.” It means you are finally choosing to protect your own well‑being, instead of abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable. You are allowed to create a different experience of the holidays—one that centers your safety, peace, and healing.

Check out my worksheet on Surviving Family Reunions in a Dysfunctional Family!